I’m not really sure why I am writing on here. I question this as I type. Perhaps it is the utter boredom of not having classes to attend and homework to do; Perhaps it is the desire to see friends post’s on here, and if I want to see others I should encourage them by putting up my own; Perhaps it is feeling lonely and hungry for the community and people I left behind. Or perhaps it is a combination of all of these and more. And yet, I still don’t know what I am to write. I could write about the first day home, or the drive back to the nonexistent land (it is more exciting then you think). Or maybe I should write something deep and profound about life and love. (Don’t get your hopes up . . .that’s not going to happen.) But as I type away, knowing all my loved friends, who are more like family, will read this it brings a smile to my face. And then I realize, I didn’t just come home for the summer to see my family and work. I left one home, family, and work for a different one. The students I left behind shall be missed like the family was. The small dingy dorms shall be missed like the green, happy farm. The constant trial of trying to get in all the readings while doing well at classes shall be longed for like the hard physical labor of farming and running after children had been. How often and how many times did I wish I could do more physical labor than studying, how often did I wish I could see more babies and children, how often did I wish I could be back out in the country. Now I have all this. And yet I feel something lacking. Over the weeks leading up to coming home I desired all these things, trying my best to live in the present and enjoy what I currently had, asking God to give me the grace to live in the present then and especially whenI got home. Here I am now, home and missing the home I left behind more than I thought I would. But, I asked God to help me live in the present. To enjoy and by grateful for what I have. This moment away from the goodness, truth, and beauty I left behind is God giving me the chance to practice just that. It can be easy to live in the present when you are thriving and loving it. It is much harder to live in the present when life is harder, but still just as important.
This post seems rather melancholy . . .but it’s really not. Yes, I miss the home away from home, and I am anxious to get back. But I refuse to miss all the goodness, truth, and beauty that is at THIS home away from home, and if I constantly wish away the summer waiting for that next moment I’ll be sad, miserably and lonely. It’s like Dr. Baxter once said, happiness is always that step ahead of you. But I don’t agree with this. If we can learn to appreciate what we have right in front of us, to live in the only moment we have, we can be happy. Happiness is a feeling, joy is a choice. And I challenge all of you to join me this summer in choosing joy. Choose to live in the only moment we are sure of having: the present.
And so I have learned to shape the words thank you / with my first breath each morning, my last breath every night / so when the last breath comes, at least I will know I was thankful / for all the places I was so sure I was not suppose to be. / All those places I made it to / all the loves I held, all the words I wrote / and even if it is just for one moment / I will be exactly where I am suppose to be -The Paradox
Now that I have blabbed on about something for quite a while, it brings to mind one other thing. A prayer from St. Faustina that says what I tried to say. I leave it here at the end to give the wisdom I tried to convey in my feeble language.
O My God,
When I look into the future, I am frightened,
But why plunge into the future?
Only the present moment is precious to me,
As the future may never enter my soul at all.
It is no longer in my power to change, correct or add to the past;
For neither sages nor prophets could do that.
And so what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.
O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire.
I desire to use you as best I can.
And although I am weak and small,
You grant me the grace of Your omnipotence.
And so, trusting in Your mercy,
I walk through life like a little child,
Offering You each day this heart
Burning with love for Your greater Glory.